The silken tongue of molten sand replies
to point out flaws until I see again
a question asked of glass is never wise.

“Always the wrong shape, never the right size,”
Reflection judges with open disdain
For truth is twisted in the mirror’s lies.

Bit by sickening bit you feel it prise
at you. Sharp understanding is regained:
A question asked of glass is never wise.

At every glance, inadequacies rise
With self belief in tatters, the fight’s in vain
For truth is twisted in the mirror’s lies.

Every crack and failing it magnifies
until only this cruel knowledge remains:
A question asked of glass is never wise
For truth is twisted in the mirror’s lies.

Chocolate.

(ok, and coffee, but one thing at a time).

I know I’m not alone… in fact I’m sure I’m in pretty good company seeing as chocolate is a such a big thing in the UK. However, I can’t stand the thought of being at the mercy of a need to consume the damned stuff or else be a grumpy pain in the neck. If I want to eat chocolate, I want to savour a high quality chocolate bar, enjoy the flavours and the smell and the texture. I don’t want to look down at an empty wrapper having barely sat down from a trip to the vending machine and wonder just how I managed to devour an entire bar in about 30 seconds. I certainly don’t want to see lasting ONE DAY without chocolate as some amazing achievement; I want it to be the norm.

Admittedly, I have been worse. While writing my Masters dissertation, by lunchtime I’d be about ready to bludgeon someone with a keyboard if I hadn’t had at least 5 chocolate bars, plus a pastry/doughnut or two. That really wasn’t a good place to be, but then neither is where I am now with the whole chocolate-fiend-thing.

I do distinctly remember a point maybe a year and a half ago when I bought a chocolate bar and realised I hadn’t eaten one in months. Knowing that, I know I can kick the chocolate cravings this time too. I’m not quite sure what spurred me into motion, but this morning I wrote myself a little note – which, admittedly, I added to later – and stuck it underneath my computer screen:

I really hope it works (well, that and having a tonne of fruit to eat instead of chocolate). At the very least it amused several people on Facebook. At the end of day one sans chocolate, I really don’t feel to bad which I’m taking to be a good sign. Of course, I’ll have to wait and see how I feel towards the end of the week before I know how I’m really reacting to the lack of the cocoa bean in my life.

If that doesn’t stop me, then I guess the only option will be to quit my job and work in the Cadburys factory so that I can’t stand the smell of chocolate, let alone the thought of eating the stuff. After all, when I went to the Cadburys factory a few years ago, I couldn’t eat chocolate for WEEKS – problem solved. So there are always options.

This blog isn’t going to be me being all maudlin about the loss of days gone by. It’s about giving a gift of time when I have little time to give. A gift to my friend, Ali.

As I said before, free time is a premium commodity in my life and I don’t get to spend anywhere near enough of it on Ali (or, indeed, any of my other university friends). Feeling as I do about this, when Ali’s birthday started to bleep on my mental radar I gave some serious thought about what I could do for her birthday to let her know that I wished I could give her more of my time. The answer didn’t take long to hit me square between the eyes: I was going to knit her a lace shawl.

“A shawl? Why a lace shawl?” I hear you ask (you are asking that, right? Just nod and smile). I decided on a lace shawl because you can see the stitches more clearly in lace than in any other type of knitting. I wanted those stitches to be visible because every one of those stitches is a moment of my time, a gift of seconds, minutes and hours to my beautiful friend.

There was a minor issue that meant it wasn’t finished in time for her birthday. Well, maybe not so minor – I had to rip back a sixth of the final shawl size because I screwed up and you can’t hide mistakes in lace. I finished it about three months later and taking the extra time was definitely worth it:

Not the best picture of it, but the best one I have of the whole thing

So, three and a bit months late, I finally sent Ali’s birthday present to her. I have to say, I was very impressed with Royal Mail’s efficiency because the following morning, this appeared on my phone:

I don’t know why, but I think she liked her gift…

I may not be able to spend as much time with Ali as I did when we were at university, and that will always make me sad, but now I know that Ali has some of my time, precious moments, captured in a my gift to her. Moments that belong to her and her alone.

And that makes me smile. I hope it makes her smile too.

And in my dreams it deigns to show
Bright flashes of weyrd threads that glow
While they form, create and bind
my spiral path

I feel my essence swirl and flow:
in deep waters, in winds that blow
In earth that moves and flames that blind.
From these are born the path that winds
and from their threads will ever grow
my spiral path

It seems something of a no-brainer, then, that I’ve been singing for most of my life (I believe I sang my first solo when I was 7 years old so that’d be 19 years ago) and have learned several instruments to varying levels during those years too. You see, I can’t help but give voice to the music that I feel and love.

Unfortunately, I never really liked the way my voice sounded. I don’t have the clear soprano that many of the girls at school had (and probably still have); instead I’m pretty much stuck in the alto range with woolly edges to my voice. I longed for the gentler, higher pitch but there wasn’t really a lot I could do about it.

Eventually, I stopped singing in public altogether.

To be honest, I thought that was it and that I’d only ever sing along to my car radio (and never with anyone else in the car). After all, why would I subject other people to a voice I disliked? The funny thing about music, though, is that it can’t be dammed up forever.

So now I sing warp to Talis Kimberley’s weft which brings me an indescribable amount of joy (it’s always glorious when singing songs that reach deep inside you). The thing that has surprised me most is how many people have come up and said I have a beautiful voice. I’ve never considered my voice to be of note, let along beautiful and quite often their comments bring me close to tears. I doubt they’ll ever realise how much it means to me to hear them say that.

I know that I won’t ever have the voice I craved as a child and teenager but slowly, ever so slowly, I’m starting to love the way I sound, the way my voice weaves a fine fabric with Talis’ own voice, and cherish the small part I play in bringing joy to people’s lives with the music.

My voice may not change, but my views about it certainly are.

Really, this is all Simon’s doing. A few months ago he mentioned that Andrew (the conductor of the WCO) put together a little band to play carols at the local pub in Winterbourne Bassett and Simon managed to convince me to go along. Sight reading was a bit of a shock to the system, I can tell you, but even though my playing was a bit sporadic I had a marvellous amount of fun. In short, I got the brass playing bug again. I was doomed (but in the best possible way)!

I’d been uhm-ing and ah-ing over whether or not to go along to the Swindon Concert Band since December but it wasn’t until I was in Glasgow (admittedly on a bit of a music-high and with 20 minutes to kill on the internet) that I sent off an e-mail asking if they had room for another euphonium.

Well, you can probably guess what the answer was.

Funnily enough, the SCB rehearse 10 minutes walk from where I live. I’m trying to be a little more eco-conscious at the moment so I though “10 minutes? I can walk that with no problem!” It did occur to me about half way there that 10 minutes walk while carrying a euphonium in a hard case does end up feeling pretty far (or so my arms were telling me). The 10 minutes walk UP the hill felt even longer.

It was pretty nerve-wracking sitting with new music in front of me (I tend to go a bit ‘bunny-in-headlights’ the first couple of times I play unfamiliar music) and I quickly realised just how rusty I was. It probably didn’t help seeing that some of the notes in the baritone/euphonium part for the first thing we played were out of my range even when I was playing 6-8 hours a week back at school. Still, Darrell and Ben (the other two euphonists, both of whom very good) were really encouraging, as was Mike the conductor. While my first instinct was to ‘run away, run away’ just like I did at uni *cough*seven*cough* years ago, I’ve decided to ignore said instinct and go back. After all, there’s no way I’m going to get better unless I try, right?

So, yes, I pretty much suck at keeping up and playing at the moment (though my range is still almost what it was 7 years ago – silver linings…). However, one thing I did learn during my years of playing at MTMC is that playing as part of an ensemble will make me progress faster than practising on my own because I will HAVE to keep up.

I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes (although I doubt I’ll be joining the SBC in Glasgow in April for the National competition they’re taking part in – I kinda want them to have a change of winning after all!). It’s really nice to be playing Cuchulainn* again after almost 7 years of him sitting in his case. It’s like meeting an old friend again and it makes me very, very happy.

*All my instruments to date have names from Irish mythology. There’s your random fact quota for the day fulfilled. Enjoy!

“All men are created equal but some are more equal than others…” – George Orwell.

It’s been a success, it went as we planned
when we first hung our heads, held out our hands
while we shamefully wore the glutton’s brand.
So now we won’t listen to your demands

Because we can. So we will.

We’re the orchestrators of this whole mess,
Dissolute masters of lies and distress.
If it means a profit, we must confess
We won’t think twice about draining the West

Because we can. So we will.

We’ll pay obscene bonuses, we defy
the rules. They can’t stop us, though they might try.
And while people struggle just to get by
We’ll ignore the anger and outraged cries

Because we can. So we will.

We know it’s not fair, but life is cruel
And it’s money, not morals, that’s the fuel
of the City. Yes, we had you all fooled!
WE pull the strings of your lords of misrule

Because we can. So we will.

Your government’s toothless, broken and lame.
They can’t stop us at our own game.
You can take your judgement and take your blame
Choke on them while we go on just the same

Because we can. So we will.

Perhaps spending more time sitting and socalising will result in more finished objects (FOs for the knitting uninitiated); I’m something of a fidget so knitting actually stops me from needing to move around a lot because I’m at least moving my hands and doing something productive without needing to rush about. This is very useful when, say, travelling long distances by train (as I will be later this month) because I don’t think other passengers would be too pleased about me needing to stand up and go for a walk every five minutes just because I can’t sit still.

So, what have I knitted since I last swanned onto my knitting blog, I hear you ask (well, maybe I don’t but this is the perfect opportunity to show off pictures of my FOs, so there ). The first FO isn’t really something I finished knitting than something I had to fudge-fix once I got the left over yarn back from Ali – I did my usual thing of accidentally leaving something at her flat (those of you who know me in person know that this ALWAYS happens).

I actually finished this while I was in Stornoway back in July but, once I’d returned home and started blocking it, I realised one of the pattern repeats in the last section was unravelling as I’d unwittingly dropped a stitch somewhere. Shock! Horror! As the shawl’s for me and I don’t get stressed out about my knitting now being entirely perfect (I would have been more stressed out about unravelling the shawl), I just did a bit of a fix with the left over yarn and a tapestry needle. It doesn’t look as bad as I thought it would and at least it won’t fall to pieces now.

FO number two is the first of the Knit Love Club 2010 sock (yes I’m very behind). They are so, SO snuggly on my feet it’s untrue; I adore the pattern and the colourway which is surprising seeing as yellow/gold isn’t really a colour I’d choose if I were buying yarn for myself.

Ok, so onto the next FO. I actually started knitting this one back in April but made a bit of a mess of it so it was frogged and restarted. I knitted the majority of it on New Years Day with just the very start and very end done a day either side. It’s super warm and, again, not a colour I’d usually wear but it works. I also have to be careful with hats because not ever hat suits me. Then again, I knew this one would after wearing Ali’s one to Hadrian’s Wall (it even features in one of Talis’ songs!).

The last one? The last FO is a gift for a very special little boy. My nephew, Theo, was born in November and I wanted to knit him a baby blanket, but not your usual baby blanket because I knew he was getting one of those from my aunt. So, I endured rows, and rows, and rows (you get the idea) of garter stitch to make him a hooded blanket to keep his head warm. While Theo isn’t really old enough to appreciate it, his parents loved the gift which I’m super hyped about. I’m really glad I chose the yarn I did, actually, because it’s soft yet substantial and shouldn’t irritate Theo’s skin at all.

Hopefully, 2011 will be a year for more knitterly activity. I really want to try colourwork at some point and I need to make progress with the rest of the KLC2010 socks. I have already cast on two projects: one a knitted neck warmer/hood and the other replacement socks for Elle after her last pair got chewed but by the dog.

Here’s to a yarnalicious new year! Happy knitting!

I was musing a few days ago how strange it is to find myself looking forward to an hour of intense exercise. My 18-year-old self would never have believed it possible (when I started my A/S levels at 17, I was overjoyed that my school did not enforce any kind of exercise for the sixth-formers). I hated P.E. at school; then again it was team sports. I never gelled with netball or hockey and I’ve never been any good at racket sports. The only time I really enjoyed myself was when we did a 6 week fencing course – it was something I actually found fun and I was relatively good at it too.

It looked like university was going to be much of the same until an old friend from school convinced me to go along to the kung fu class she attended. The first class didn’t go so well (I was mortified by the fact I fell on my backside while in ma bu) and didn’t go back for 6 months but with the encouragement and help of my friend Ali I learned some basic moves over the Easter break and went back to the classes feeling much more confident. Fast forward two and a half years and I went to China for two weeks to do some kung fu training.

By that point, I’d come to the realisation that there were forms of exercise I did enjoy. Since moving to Swindon I haven’t really been able to go to my Shifu’s classes (the cost of commuting + parking + classes is just too much) so I had to find an alternative. I have to be in the right mindset to go to the gym but Body Combat and Body Attack are lots of fun and I love going to the classes. Needless to say, I don’t need much persuading to go.

It’s funny how sometimes your mindset can do a complete 180º and I’m very glad it did. I get a real kick out of seeing how much I improve with each class and seeing how far I can push myself. The weight-loss and reduction in fidgety-ness is also a bit of a bonus.

I can honesty say that all this exercise has greatly improved my quality of life. I really hope that in the future (and hopefully not to distant future at that) I can help others to find the fun in keeping fit and improving their quality of life too. Here’s hoping.

I love times like that and I adore the geeks; they’re the people who saw me grow from a shy, somewhat socially-inept teenager to the chatty, scatterbrained adult I am today. They are the tribe of my period of self-discovery, my soul-siblings (if you’ll excuse the overly poetic term) and I know the bond between us all is strong. I can’t really see it ever being broken.

I speak of tribes and 2010 brought a second tribe into my life. Well, really it was the tail end of 2009 when I first met Talis at the Lower Shaw Farm knitting circle, but really my friendship with her and her household grew over the past 12 months. Talis is like the big sister I never had; in fact we’re scarily alike. With Talis came music, and the performance of music which is something that has been missing in my life for a long, long time. I count myself blessed to be part of her tribe and I can only hope that I give as much to all within it as I get from being part of it.

I am lucky to a have a great many good, warm-hearted people as friends who don’t fall into these two tribes of mine; people who have known me since I was knee-high-to-a-grasshopper, people who have known me only a couple of years. All of them are amazing in their ways and I am astounded that they want to spend their time and thoughts with me.

I guess, what I’m saying in the end, is that I am so very grateful to have such wonderful people as friends; I know not everyone is as lucky as I am. I hope that 2011 will allow those ties of friendship to evolve and grow and that it will also bring more wonderful people into my life.

I’d like to finish with a little message to my tribes and to my other friends: you brighten my life and enrich it. I love you all; thank you for your gift of friendship *lots of hugs*.